Moronic Musings

and other junk as it occurs to me.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Messin' With The Young'uns

Here are some ways to have a little fun with people under the age of 30:

If the satellite or cable goes out, tell them to run outside and turn the antenna.

Refer to every cell phone as a "pay phone murderer."

Tell them the next big thing in movie entertainment will be Technicolor.

Call them "Grasshopper" and watch amusedly as they try to puzzle out what you mean.

Try to convey the sense of horror you used to feel at the thought of having an empty Coke bottle thrown at you from a moving vehicle.

Teach them how Coke bottles could be turned into a drink and a snack at the corner store.

Try to convince them that most people used to actually walk to the corner store.

Explain the purpose of front porches on houses. This works best if you do it over iced tea on the front porch.

Every once in a while, ask them if their cell phones are party lines.

Rant about how complicated it was to select songs of the perfect length to fit on your mix tapes. Then share how exasperating it was to wait for the DJ to shut up so you could get a clean recording of your favorite song.

Hand them a gallon jug and say "that's about what my first cell phone was like."

Describe how The Bomb we worried about and the bombs they worry about are two entirely different things. Then have a conversation about how courage works no matter what generation you come from.

Illuminate them about the joys of jumping up and down on a car to get its bumper unlocked from another car.

Tell them that every single American used to be required by law to get shot in the arm in order to prove their loyalty and how tough they were. Then have all your friends show them your vaccine scars.

Feel free to comment with more ideas for messin' with the young'uns!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Push Through

Have you ever been walking along a sidewalk and noticed how nearly every crack has a flower or a shoot of grass coming through? Nature's amazing like that. It has an unrelenting drive to push through to the light no matter what is laid on top of it.

People are the same way (we're part of nature, after all). No matter what life throws at us, we make it to the surface. Irrepressible, we rise to the occasion.

That's what you're going to do today. You will recognize what's covering you up, you'll notice cracks in that pavement or chinks in that wall, and you'll find a way. You should be able to recognize these passages- no matter how tiny- because a little light always shines through.

Push through!

More Than Meets The Eye

You are the ultimate Transformer.

These days, everyone knows all about the giant alien robots that can change themselves into vehicles. What some people might not be aware of is that they have an advantage over even those marvelous morphing machines.

The advantage is this: you aren't limited to just one or two forms. While an Autobot or a Decepticon typically only changes from vehicle to robot and back again, you can become anything you want. You are limited only by your imagination. You have the tools at your disposal to perform any number of amazing feats, create an unlimited array of marvels.

Want a city at the bottom of the ocean? Build it. Feel the desire to colonize Mars? Go for it. These seem like ridiculous notions, but are they really? The thing that we forget sometimes is that we don't just have the capacity to change ourselves; we can also transform our surroundings. We can literally change the world. Just a few years ago, smart phones were unheard of. Mass produced electric vehicles were science fiction. The Internet was inconceivable.

But you know what you are capable of. You have boundless possibilities.

Now go make Optimus Prime jealous.


Adversity is the launch pad from which greatness lifts off.

For Churchill, it was Germany shelling London neighborhoods daily. For Einstein, it was teachers who thought him stupid (and later a regime that wished to use his gifts for evil). For Gandhi it was an oppressive empire. For Mother Teresa it was poverty and starvation.

While those circumstances make our daily struggles seem insignificant, we nevertheless deal with adversity at one level or another every day. It is these small challenges which teach us to overcome greater ones. If we never faced an obstacle in life, we would be helpless when hard times truly hit.

You have within you today the capacity to overcome great adversity. Perhaps you have been tested, perhaps not. But today you are certain that you possess the tools to face whatever comes your way. You possess intelligence, resolve, and grit. You can and will overcome whatever stands between you and greatess.

We have achieved lift off!

Friday, April 19, 2013


Today, you are a laser. You are an intensely focused beam burning through whatever stands in your way.

The grit of adversity and experience has polished your lens so finely that you are able to produce light that is clearer and brighter than any other. Your faith and your knowledge are your sources of power (and you can be assured that Energizer and Duracell have never made anything with this kind of juice).

You possess an unparalleled guidance system: Your aim and focus are your intent and force of will. You see an incoming missile, alien invader, or unhealthy tissue growth, you zap it. That simple.

So today you are going to stay powered up and dialed in. Bad news, rain, and busy work cannot slow you down.

Go light it up!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Some Thoughts On Work

1. No one is perfect.
2. No one knows everything.
3. People who feel they have to be perfect and know everything are just wasting energy.
4. People who act like they're perfect and know everything are universally disliked.
5. It IS possible to be both humble and self-confident. The two attributes are not mutually exclusive. SO act like you know what you're doing, but don't be an ass about it.
6. When you're wrong, say so. A simple mea culpa will go a long way in maintaining (or rebuilding) others' respect for you.
7. Don't take yourself too seriously. If you can't laugh at yourself, you can bet that there are plenty of other folks who can.
8. See the best in people.
9. No matter how long you've been doing what you're doing, realize that you can learn from even the newest, greenest person in your field.
10. If you're good at your job, help others be good. You owe it to those who came before you. Pass good knowledge on.
11. Have fun at work. If you can't, find something else to do. Life is too short to spend a full third of it being miserable.
12. You were hired for a reason. You have at least minimal competence at your job, so stop second-guessing yourself.

Get out there and be awesome!

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


Today is full of the unknown. There are choices you must make that have consequences you can't guess. There are impending circumstances in your life over which you have absolutely no control. There are activities you have yet to participate in, and there are people you've never met. Every day is jam-packed with unknown things, and that can be scary.

But not for you. You look at the unknown with anticipation because you know that as badly as things can turn out, they can also go amazingly well. You understand that uncertainty is a positive thing.

Make no mistake: there's nothing wrong with a little self-check to make sure you're taking the right steps. Even so, you don't sit on the fence forever. You move. You've read all the current fashion magazines and are aware that paralysis and self doubt are not en vogue this season.

Remember that pivotal scene in Finding Nemo when Dory is trying to convince Marlin to let go of the whale's tongue? Marlin fearfully shouts something like, "How do you KNOW everything will be okay?!" to which Dory very matter-of-factly replies "I don't," and lets go.

Here's a new take on an old adage: If you always do what you've always done, you'll never get what you've never had.

Today you're not going to let fear of the unknown either prevent or control your actions. You're going to examine your options, choose, and act. Today, you're going to be Dory. Except with a better memory.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


Today, you are an impenetrable fortress. 

You know how Mondays are: You awaken slowly and gently, pad lightly into the kitchen and brew some coffee so you can enjoy it out on the lanai. You watch the sun rise and cast its soft, golden light across the serene Hawaiian mountain lake which serves as your back yard. As you sip your perfectly brewed Kona coffee, you ponder what to do with the remaining $198,000,000 of your lottery winnings. Then your alarm shrieks in your ear and wakes you up for real. 

Damn, it's Monday.

Rather than a tranquil scene outside your window, you wonder if there might be a horde of angry orcs, trolls and Uruk-Hai waiting to skewer you on their nasty iron implements.

But that's okay, because you're ready for it. Your batteries are charged, your mind is calm, and you know how to handle the impending onslaught. You're not letting anything or anyone tax you beyond your limits. Besides, you're a mighty keep. Like Helm's Deep, only better.

Arrows, grapeshot, battering rams, ICBMs, it doesn't matter. You're the Rock of Gibraltar. You've made it this far and you're going to keep on making it. Monday can throw its best at you and you'll just laugh it off.

Thick skin. Strong mind. Indomitable will. Impenetrable fortress. You.

Well Ain't That Just Awesome.

Today you'll be carrying a great big bucket of awesome around with you. You will scoop awesome out of the bucket and give it away like it was candy at Halloween. If you run into people who are undeserving of awesome, you'll give them some anyway. Because that's how you fly. You'll notice that the level of awesome in your bucket will begin diminishing if you don't give any away, but it will remain full to the brim if you do. That's just how awesome works. 

Have an awesome day.

Be The... Wait, What?

You've heard the expression "be the ball," right? It's a hokey old pop sports psychology phrase that some trainers use in an attempt at making athletes focus more intensely on the task at hand. This morning, you are NOT going to be the ball. And do you know why? 

Because the ball gets the crap knocked out of it on the regular! Furthermore, the ball does not act; it is acted upon. So today what you're going to do today is this: Be The Pro. 

Professional athletes train for years, and their minds and bodies are fine tuned to do exactly what it takes to win. Think about who you are and what you've done in life: You're a professional. You have knowledge, training and experience that have turned you into a finely tuned instrument. You're ready to put the ball right where it needs to go.

Most importantly today, you're going to get out there and play. You might win and you might lose, but rest assured that nothing amazing will happen if you keep picturing yourself as an inanimate object that is the target of wooden and metal clubs. So go knock that ball over the center field wall. Sink that hole-in-one. Drain that perfect three-pointer at the buzzer. However you choose to do it, do it all the way.

Have an awesome day!

Don't Fight It...

Remember the movie "Rocky?" Sure you do; everyone does. If you've never watched it, you'll probably want to stop reading now because none of the following will mean anything to you.

Anyway, this daily kick in the pants is NOT going to say that you're Rocky and that Monday is Apollo Creed. Nope. This daily Daily dose of dynamite is claiming that you're Rocky and Monday is… wait for it… Adrian. 

"What?!" you may puzzle. "But Rocky doesn't beat the snot out of Adrian in that movie!" That's right. Because what this particular message is trying to get across is that Monday isn't your opponent. In fact, it's just shy but keeps hanging around because it's kind of interested in you and is hoping that you'll notice it. Once you spend a little quality time with Monday you'll see it's not so bad. And maybe, just maybe, you'll experience a tender moment wherein you gently reach up, take off Monday's glasses and realize "dang, you're actually pretty hot!" Then you and Monday will become a team that will be able to take on anything together.

Even that colossal ape Ivan Drago, otherwise known as "Wednesday."

S Cape Plan

This is the day that you rummage through your closet and come out with a musty, wrinkled piece of cloth. This isn't any ordinary square of muslin; it's your cape. You forgot about it, didn't you? Somewhere between final exams and that first rent check, your cape got stuffed in a box with old toys and half-written adventure stories. It was forgotten far too easily as the world tried to convince you that good enough is good enough, and that Super isn't real. You even started believing the world, because it's easy to do so when so much is wrong out there.

But today is different. Today, your memories come back to you. You realize that the only true barriers in your life exist within your own mind and heart. Today, you get a little flash of that red cape draped over your shoulders, and you remember what it feels like to fly and to smash through walls and to lift cars off people who are trapped beneath them because they forgot about their capes, too. So you walk into your closet of forgotten hopes and dreams and you find that box. 

As you pull the cape from its hiding place, power courses up your arm and into your chest. A slanted shaft of sunlight falls across the fabric and you notice how very red the cape is. You shake it out and spin it around onto your shoulders. Surprisingly, it fits just right. You tie the strings at your neck and walk outside, searching the impossibly blue heavens for your destination. You listen for cries of people in distress.

You're ready. You're back, and today you are once again the hero you were always meant to be.


A Puzzling Thought

Do you work crossword puzzles? If so, do you use a pencil or a pen? If you're a pencil user, here's a challenge: next time you work a difficult puzzle, do it in ink. 

It could get messy; you might have to write over letters or scribble in the margin beside the puzzle. As you're doing it, you might even question the sanity of the person who suggested using ink in the first place. But here's the point: ink is forever. You can't erase it. Once it's there, it's there.

Kinda like life. It would be nice to think that we all carried an existential eraser around with us that we could take out to fix a problematic situation or a mistake we've made with just a couple swipes, but that's not how it is, is it? Life is messy. All of the things we do- whether right or wrong- are permanent. Working puzzles in ink might serve as a gentle reminder of that (potentially disquieting) fact.

Another thing to consider is that ink, depending on your penmanship, is bold and clear. It doesn't get obscured like graphite on paper does. If you have a book of puzzles, you can flip back to the first page and see that every letter is as dark as the day you jotted it down. Life is like that, too, isn't it?. Do things boldly and they will be remembered for generations to come. Go through life writing everything in pencil, and your life might eventually be forgotten entirely.

So today, uncap your precision writing instrument and make your mark - in bold strokes!

Level Up

You're about to level up. Do you know what that means? In gaming, leveling up is what happens after you've completed the tasks on the present level of the game - defeated the boss or solved the puzzle. Which is what you have been doing. You've been kicking butt and taking names, and it's time for you to advance to the next stage. Are you ready?

Here's the thing: some people are happy with playing the game, but when it comes to leveling up, they're afraid to do it. The reason is clear: It means more complicated puzzles. It means tougher enemies to fight. Sometimes, it means fewer resources.

But it also means more glory. More success. More coin.

Glory isn't gained with excuses. Success isn't seized with so-so. Wealth isn't won by wembling.

You are ready. You're seasoned, you're smart, and you have cat-like reflexes. So get out there, pin on your Intergalactic Alliance badge , and set your phaser to awesome.


Gray Matters

Did you know that your brain is the most complex computer ever to exist? No matter what shiny doodads the geeks over at Apple or Alienware come up with, and however fast a Cray Titan supercomputer can crunch numbers, nothing can touch the complexity and the flexibility of your mind.

So if, in that big ol' melon of yours, you're toting around the most awesome piece of gee whiz-circuitry ever created, why would you let a bunch of viruses get in and slow down your processing?

Your brain really is very much like a computer. It has a vast amount of long-term memory (hard drive space) And a more limited amount of short term memory (desktop memory or RAM). And, just like a computer, if you have too many programs open and running at the same time, your processing can be needlessly slowed down.

Things such as stress, depression, grudges, low self-esteem, and fear act as viruses. Here's the tricky part: unlike sneaky trojan viruses that you unwittingly click on, your actions and decisions deliberately download the ones listed above and tell them to run.

Much like malicious viruses, unchecked problems in your life can cause your brain to work improperly. You become forgetful. You miss obvious solutions to simple problems. You behave illogically and, at worst, irrationally.

And like computer viruses, these things can begin affecting you so subtly and worsen so gradually that you don't even know something is wrong until you get the dreaded Blue Screen Of Death. In terms of everyday living, that could mean incorrectly completed work, a short temper, anything from the loss of a friendship to the loss of a job. Maybe even irreparable damage to an important relationship.

The good news is that there are very effective antivirus software packages available. Things like regular exercise and healthy eating habits. Like maintaining a strong spiritual life, and surrounding yourself with people who are emotionally healthy and good for you. Oh, and never, ever be afraid to seek the assistance of a professional therapist to help remove some of the nastier viruses out there (think of them as Geek Squad for your brain).

So today, ask yourself if you're taking care of that priceless, one-of-a-kind supercomputer inside your head as well as you do the cheap little one on your desk. If not, you might want to change things up.

Then get out there and be amazing.

Love Wins

Fear is an impressive power in the world. As we are too frequently reminded, there are people who are ruled by fear which drives them to irrational behavior, making them believe that they are somehow justified in taking lives in order to make a political statement. These small-minded, selfish cowards are incapable of the kind of critical thinking it takes to engage in true dialogue with others. They are convinced they are right and will do anything to prove their points. These people have been around since Cain looked at Abel with bitter, hateful envy, and they will be here as long as humanity draws breath. 

But there is also Love. It has existed since before time was conceived, before the earth was formed. It set galaxies on their ever-widening paths; it created beauty in trees and mountains and rivers. Love also planted the seeds of courage within the hearts of humans; the kind of courage that impels us toward catastrophe rather than away from it. Courage that permits us to look upon acts of terrorism and see them for what they are: outward expressions of inward fear. Petulant tantrums thrown by small minded men who are angry about not getting their way.

Love always finds the good in the aftermath of such acts. Love is people rushing to others' aid through smoke and debris. It is brave men and women scouring city streets for more implements of destruction, ignoring their own potential peril. Love is healing beginning to take place even minutes after an attack has occurred. No matter how hard fear tries, Love wins. Love always wins.

Take courage, because today you will Love and be Loved, and no fear will ever overcome you.