26 Helpful Tips for Getting Through Life in One Piece

I know that lists are easy to write and are frequently just lip service, but these are things that I actually try to practice in life.  Of course, there are many other practical tips for surviving life such as "don't eat something out of the refrigerator if you don't remember putting it there," but I thought that a list like this might actually serve a purpose.  It seems like fewer and fewer people today are living by any kind of credo at all.  Remember when we, as a nation, had a moral compass?  Do we still have it, or are we too busy living life like we post Tweets: in short, random bursts?  Anyway, philosophizing aside, here are some concepts that I have found helpful.  I have failed more than I have succeeded in following them, I think, but I still try because they're worth it.  I hope they mean something to you, too.

1. When people around you are whispering, don’t assume they’re whispering about you.  Not everything is about you.  In fact, very little is about you.  Once you realize this, you can get on with being concerned about things that actually matter.
2. Never enter a business arrangement with a close friend or family member.  Money can be the cause of the bitterest disputes, and a few bucks aren’t worth losing a relationship over.  Don’t believe it?  Watch one episode of The People’s Court or Judge Judy.
3.  As an adult, before you ever decide to get married and have kids, you should have at least one pet and a house full of plants.  If you can keep the plants and the pet alive for at least three years, then maybe you’re ready to consider becoming responsible for the life of another human.
4. Good friends are like precious stones.  The really good, valuable ones are hard to find.  Once found, you should try to never lose them.  True friends understand that you’re not perfect.  If you have friends who criticize and make you feel small, they’re not really your friends.
5. By the way, your friends aren’t perfect, either.  They’re going to screw up once in a while and disappoint you.  Be the friend you’d want if you were in their shoes and love them through it.
6. If a friend asks you for money more than once a decade, you might want to reevaluate whether that person is really a friend.
7. Learn how to fix things.  You don’t have to be a master mechanic or licensed contractor to save hundreds, maybe even thousands of dollars a year on routine maintenance on your car and home.  Learn how to change your oil, perform an engine tune-up, fix a toilet, refurbish or replace a faucet, hang a ceiling fan, unclog drains, and put sliding doors back on track.  Teach your kids the same things.
8. Stand up for yourself.  Don’t be a jerk about it, but say “no” when you need to.  Being nice is one thing, but being a doormat is something completely different.  If your needs suffer because others are imposing on you to fulfill their life obligations, it’s time to make a change.
9. On a related note, be responsible for your own life.  Pay your own bills.  If you’re over 18, you should be able to handle many of your own responsibilities.  If you’re out of college and are still living with your parents, you’re being irresponsible.  Get a second job, if you already have a first.  You do NOT have a right to do whatever you want; you have a right to the pursuit of happiness.  Sometimes that means that you give up some of the things you want now, to have happiness later.  It’s called being a grownup.  Deal with it and move on.
10. If you have spent more money on entertainment than on investing in your future, don’t whine when you’re not able to retire until you’re 75.  A membership-driven online game, no matter how fun or compelling, is not worth thousands of dollars.  Investing thousands of dollars now will pay you TENS of thousands of dollars in the future.  Think about that.
11. No matter how badly people treat you, always take the high road and treat them well.  Our actions are always repaid in kind.  Always.  The Golden Rule isn’t just a cutesy saying; it’s a valuable guideline for everyday life.
12. If you’re going to buy something, take the time to make sure you’re getting your money’s worth.  Saving a few hundred dollars on a major purchase now isn’t worth it if you have to shell out another few thousand to replace that item two months after the warranty runs out.
13. Listen to your elders.  They’ve been where you are.  You may think that they haven’t, and what you’re experiencing is different than they did, but that’s hogwash.  Most likely, they made it through what you’re facing with even fewer resources than you have available.  Less talking, more listening.  It’s a good rule of thumb for much of life.
14. Try not to gossip, even to your best friend.  Life takes interesting turns, and alliances, sadly, sometimes change.  Try not to say anything that you wouldn’t mind the whole world hearing.  Likewise, don’t listen to gossip.  Even if it’s true, which is highly doubtful, it’s not your business.  You have enough problems of your own to deal with; you don’t need to invite those of others in, too.
15. Assume the best of everyone you meet until they prove you wrong.  Some will tell you that this is naïve and foolish, and you’ll most likely get burned once in a while, but you will find that most people react much more favorably when they feel they are respected and trusted.  We all tend to want to live up to others’ expectations.
16. Learn how to survive without modern conveniences.  Technology is wonderfully helpful, but it’s worthless when there’s no power.  Don’t believe it?  Ask someone from New Orleans about what they thought was important after Katrina hit.  You most likely won’t hear people whining about how they didn’t have access to wi-fi.  Get a high-quality water purifier.  Buy a propane camp stove.  You don’t have to be a survivalist; just aware and ready.  Nature has a way of knocking us down a peg or two when we get too smug, and it helps to be prepared.
17. If you’re a newlywed, don’t think that you should start out your new life with everything that your parents have now.  They didn’t start out with that much; they worked for years to get where they are.  Beginning a new relationship is hard enough as it is.  Throwing a mortgage and two car payments on top of that, along with loans to fill up your house with nice things just compounds stress and anxiety.  You have all the time in the world, and stuff is just… stuff.  Enjoy each other.  The stuff will come in time.
18. Exercise.  Nothing else works.  Just get up and do something.
19. Learn how to take compliments.  Repeat after me: “Thank you, that’s very kind of you to say.”  See?  That wasn’t hard, was it?  Saying things like “No, it’s not that big a deal” and “Please, it was awful” makes you seem ungracious and unappreciative of other’s opinions of you.  Saying thanks and leaving it at that lets others know that you’re grateful for their praise, but not arrogant.
20. When someone you know is hurting, words aren’t always necessary.  Sometimes, just being there to sit alongside them as if to say “I hurt along with you” does far more than all the words in the dictionary could ever do.
21. Try to learn something new every day.  This keeps the mind sharp and can even help prevent Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia.  It also helps you to be a more interesting conversationalist.
22. If you think you’re an interesting conversationalist, you’re probably not.  You should most likely work on your ability to listen.  The old adage “we have two ears and one mouth for a reason” is pretty right-on.
23. Give.  It doesn’t really matter what the cause, but find a way to give back.  Chances are that you’ve been the recipient of someone’s kindness, and now you have the responsibility to be kind to others.  Even if you’re broke, you can still give of your time and your talents.  Somewhere, a charity needs an accountant or a baker or someone who knows how to organize a thrift store.  Somewhere, a family could use a dependable car or a roof repair.  If you have a family, make them part of it.  Show your kids what it really means to be a part of the community.
24. Laugh.  Nothing makes you feel alive like laughing until your sides hurt. Go to a comedy club, listen to one of the comedy stations on satellite radio, or watch the comedy network on TV.  Discover a great humor writer.  If you don’t have at least one friend who makes you laugh on a regular basis, find one.  It will make you healthier and keep you young longer.  We all need whimsy from time to time.
25. Don’t be afraid of new opportunities.  Sometimes change can be good for you.  Taking calculated risks can result in big payoffs.  It can also result in failure, but so what?  We all fall on our faces once in a while.  If there’s something you’d like to try, go for it.  When you’re old, your regrets will be for those great things that you didn’t do, not the lousy things you did.
26. Don’t lie.  No matter what the situation, when the chips are down, your reputation and self-respect are precious.  Lying demeans you and those around you, and causes stress that will eat you alive.  Why try to keep track of complicated lies (and they all become complicated, eventually) when the truth is so much simpler and healthier?

Well, there they are.  It's by no means a comprehensive list, but felt pretty solid to me.  What other rules of thumb do you follow that you feel are missing?  Feel free to comment, and share this if it affected you.  Thanks!

Remembering The Promise

In my last entry, "A Promise Made," I talked about a few of the events in my life that led to my making a promise to myself and others that I would not allow selfish, mean people cause harm to people who couldn't defend themselves.  The events were recalled to the best of my ability and, to my knowledge, are not exaggerated.  Much more happened to me as a child, but I felt that these were the most representative of my overall childhood experience.  I used them simply to make a point that even in a harsh, harmful environment, people can still see through the scum on the windows and realize that the sun is shining outside.  That said, I never want to give the impression that my childhood was one long episode of hell.  If you have read my previous posts, you are aware that I have had the blessing of people in my life who loved and guided me well.  It is from having these people around me that I learned a principle that has played a part in my attempt to keep the Promise thus far in my life.

One would think that this kind of promise made as a broken child would lead me to become a defense lawyer or activist or some other type of "white knight," holding high the standard of justice for all to see.  Perhaps I could have gone that route (grades notwithstanding), but that just never seemed to be my style.  Instead, I kept my eyes and ears open.  It isn't something that can be explained, but there was always a feeling, a hint, that as time went by that more knowledge and understanding would come to me and that everything would be okay.  I always felt that God had His hand in my life and was protecting me.  Looking back, I can clearly see that things could have been much worse than they were for me; I will never doubt the idea of Providence.

As I grew older and survived the terrible awkwardness of adolescence and the even worse affliction of that boundless arrogance that comes with young adulthood, a picture began to form in my mind of how I might be able to keep the Promise and become of some actual use to the planet.  It occurred to me that the reason I wasn't a drug-addicted criminal or a robber or rapist or thief was that there were people in my life who served as a barrier against such wrong turns.  What I came to realize was that just a little bit of love can go a long way toward bringing a kid up right.  Anyone who knows me well has probably heard me say (more than once, I'd bet) that "just one or two good people" in a kid's life can make all the difference in the world.  If you doubt this, ask anyone who came out of difficult circumstances and made something of himself.  You will most certainly hear stories about a person or persons in his life who saw him as a valuable individual with potential.

My point in all this rambling is this: If you're capable of being aware of the people around you - even if you're damaged goods like I am - you can spot kids who need an anchor in their lives.  If you can and do, you have a responsibility.  You read me right.  If you can see the need in a kid, you have the job of telling him that he has value, and that you can see it, and that you believe in him.  Then you should actually believe in him.  If he messes up, tell him that it's okay, you've done the very same thing (you have, admit it) and it's not the end of the world.  If more young people can see that doing something stupid or imperfectly doesn't result in everyone around them trying to take them out like a pack of wild dogs, they'll be more willing to get up and try again.  And they'll later become that person to someone else, the person who believes.  This isn't a new idea.  Don't believe me?  Look here.

I never know if my ramblings are cogent enough to get my point across, but I hope they do.  I believe that one of the main objectives in this life is to learn how to live outside of ourselves.  If you study any of the world's major religions you will find that this is one of their main overriding principles.  Looking beyond ourselves and reaching out to others makes us better.  I'm working on it.  Are you?

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The last post I wrote apparently took a lot out of me, because it's been a month since I last posted.  A dear friend recently sent me some encouragement in an instant message that said "Blog!  BLOOOOGG!"  Thank you, JDK, for the gentle reminder.

Crisis Averted; Let's Work A Crossword.

I am very proud of my lovely wife, Jen. We recently had a situation in our home that required some high level parenting skills. Being that I'm a step-dad, my role in this situation was more to observe, offer my insights, then duck and cover. Jen weighed the options available, rolled up her sleeves and did what had to be done. I won't go into details here; that stuff is moot. What's important is that about 2 or 3 years ago, Jen admittedly wouldn't have (or couldn't have) handled the events the way she did. She just didn't have the capacity or the knowledge of what to do. She realized this, however, and began working toward being a better mother and a better person.

Besides taking an opportunity to gratuitously brag about my wife, I bring this up because I've always been amazed at the capacity people have to grow and improve, no matter where they come from or what they've been through. The best kind of people to have around you are people who are continuously seeking to improve upon their knowledge, abilities and character. Show me a person who doesn't live this way, and I'll show you a person who has already peaked and is just running on fumes.

It doesn't take a lot of time or effort to be a lifelong learner. What it does require is a commitment. It doesn't matter if you work a crossword every morning, check the tip of the day on your favorite geek site or buy your bimonthly copy of Mental Floss. Just do something. The benefits can be tangible. Research shows that a lack of education can even result in a greater risk of developing Alzheimer's (see one article here).

So let's make the choice to get off our brains and learn something today. You don't have to research for a thesis. Just learn something. You'll be richer for the experience, you'll have more to contribute to the world, and you might even impress your friends while playing Cranium. Hey, maybe you'll meet your soul mate. Everyone knows that smarts are sexy. Right?